I’m Not Who I Was

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Sometimes holidays are hard.  They just are.  There are people involved, and relationships are often rekindled.  This can be good; yet this can also bring up past memories and past hurts.  Sound familiar?  Do you ever go into a holiday time with a fear or anxiousness? 

I do.

Most years I am just afraid. Afraid of people, afraid of what to say what to do, afraid of being hurt.  Past memories that bombard my mind with fear. 

 

This Thanksgiving was different —  there were still people involved and relationships rekindled, there were still memories and past hurts… family gatherings, spending time with friends, and a class reunion… but this year was different.  Let me just say different was still hard.  But different was better!

 

This year was different… Not because anything outside me was different but because inside me was different.  I was different.  I AM different.  I’m not who I used to be.

 

The old me was scared to say what I was really thinking, hid from any personal questions and obsessed over every word I said.  The old me would rather just do what someone else wanted me to do, rather than to stand up for anything I believed in or anything I thought.  The old me would rather run from people than to share my feelings. 

 

The old me was scared of what people thought of me, worried about people not liking/hating who I was, because I couldn’t show who was really inside me.

 

The old me was too afraid to tell people about my dream of being a writer.  The old me simply wished to wear clothes that actually were in style.  The old me wished I could just be like normal people.

 

The old me felt all alone, felt like no one loved me, and felt worthless.

 

And now.

I’m not who I used to be.

 

Christ has changed me.

 

With Christ, I can share with people what I’m really feeling. 

With Christ, I don’t have the hurt and anger I used to have, He healed it. 

With Christ, I am learning I don’t have to be controlled by people, for He is my guide. 

With Christ, I can stand up for what I believe in, for He is by my side. 

With Christ, I don’t worry what other people think of me, because my value to Christ is more.  With Christ, and only with Him, am I able to finally show people the me that was hidden for so long.

With Christ, I am able to accept my talents and the dreams He placed inside me.  With Christ, I can say I’m a writer.   With Christ I realize I don’t have to feel alone.  I don’t have to feel unloved.  I don’t have to feel worthless.

 

With Christ I am never alone.

With Christ I am loved.

With Christ I am worth something.

Only because of Him!

 

And friends, I wish I could go to each old place and just say.  I’m not who I used to be.  I’m not the nerdy cousin, the hurting daughter, and the  classmate in frumpy, outdated clothes anymore.  I’ve been changed.  I have been set free. 

I’m not mad anymore.  I’m not hurting anymore.  I’m not hiding.

I am loved by Jesus, just for who I am. No pretending needed.

 

I wish you could see me now

I wish I could show you how

I’m not who I was

I used to be mad at you

A little on the hurt side too

But I’m not who I was

…And I wonder if you ever loved me

Just for who I was

I was thinking maybe I

I should let you know that I am not the same…

I wish you could see me now

I wish I could show you how

I’m not who I was

I’m Not Who I Was — Brandon Heath

 

Maybe you find yourself, like I did, spending so many years trying to fit in and pretend to be someone that you are not.

Maybe you wish you could know who you really are.

 

Friend, run to Christ.  Plead with Him to show you what and who He made you to be.  Work thru the hard feelings, anger, and pain.  Forgive the people who hurt you.  Forgive the people who you feel molded you into who you are today.

 

Then move on. 

Leave the past behind.

Ask Him to make you into that new creation.  Ask Him to point out the priorities He wants you to have, the people He wants you to be with, the place He wants you to be, the calling He has for you, and the dreams He has instilled deep inside you. 

Ask Him to give you the grace to be the exact person He wants you to be.

 

Pray for the grace to be humble enough to be different than what you used to be.

Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.

And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation;  To wit, that God was in Christ, reconciling the world unto himself, not imputing their trespasses unto them; and hath committed unto us the word of reconciliation.

Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us: we pray you in Christ’s stead, be ye reconciled to God.

2 Corinthians 5:17-20

Join in the conversation – are you who you used to be? 

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2 Comments

  1. This post touched me too. I am not who I used to be either. While we didn’t struggle with all the same things, we did with some of the same things! I was “driven” to some counseling this year and wow – I have learned so much and am so thankful!!

    1. Awe. I would love to hear your story, Diane! I like how you said that “driven” to counseling ? It was good for me too. Isnt is so good to be ablr to look back and realize how good God is! Thanks for sharing, my friend! Trudie

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