The Job I Never Wanted, Saved my Soul
Motherhood is hard! Motherhood broke me.
It screamed I couldn’t do it on my own. It yelled that I was failing. It broke me to my knees. I was squeezed. And as my sister in law says over and over… when you are squeezed you find out what is really inside you.
The first time I was desperately squeezed, I found bitterness, anger and unforgiveness. It was motherhood that made it all apparent. The yelling and screaming at my kids. The impatience. The crazy train I was on. Motherhood was squeezing me and I got desperate.
Without motherhood getting me to that desperate place, I wonder if I’d still be hiding and faking through all the anger to this day.
That was several years ago. Like a long time ago. Through that squeezing I found a realationship with God.
These desperate places that motherhood takes me are not fun at all. But boy. They have saved my soul.
More recently motherhood squeezed me again.
This time the squeezing led me to the raw truth that I was still running from the mom calling. How? How was that even possible?
But when I stopped everything, that Wednesday that I fell apart . . . I realized I had never yet accepted the calling of being a mom on my life.
How you might say?
Well. When you don’t choose something, and don’t accept something as your reality… that area of you life just becomes a place of bitterness. You do it out of resentment. You do things like keep score. (Another topic for someday) You try to grasp at being important in something else to try to find purpose. You ignore issues that are going on right in front of you. You spend a lot of time on instagram.
You hide.
You run.
You keep score of everything.
You do it all but with a heart full of resentment.
In your head you say things like “I’m doing this for you… what am I going to get from it.”
And it’s embarrassing to say it outloud… but that was what my being Mama used to looked like.
This squeezing sent me into a tail spin. I stopped everything. The women’s ministry I had begun. Writing for the public. Being on social media. I stepped back and really got closer to God. Listened to His voice.
He told me taught me things about myself. My personality. He taught me that Motherhood was a real calling. As real as being called to the mission field. I know, I know, I should have known this… But He showed it to me in a new way. He showed me why I was running from the calling. God show me how to sort thru the lies that were holding me in bondage. (See this post) He showed me the great purpose of motherhood. He taught me so many great things during the last year. The little lessons will never end.
But friend, without motherhood, I would have had none of this.
You know.
The very THING I thought would ruin me. The very thing I never wanted for myself. Has been the very thing that God has used to make me into a Jesus gal.
And I wonder. What hard role do you find in your own life… maybe even something that you never thought you wanted. A job, place you live, neighbors, husband. . . Children with special needs.
What is squeezing you?
Then, the real question. What is coming out from being so squeezed?
Is God using this squeezing to teach you something? What is He saying. What is He showing you about yourself. Who is He making you to be?
Don’t be afraid of the squeezing. Don’t be afraid of being someone God called you to be, though you never wanted it. Lean into it my friend because…when you are right where God wants you… and finding it difficult; you run to God.
In His arms is truly the best place to be. #learninglittlelessons
