There Is Purpose

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There has to be more to it than this. 

 

I drag myself out of bed, turn on auto pilot. go about the motions. Over and over again. The same things. The dishes, the meals the laundry. Same ole thing over and over. Nothing changes. I’m always bossing the kids around. Reminding them to do their chores. Spoon feeding their school work to them. Over and over again. 

 

What is the point?

 

I methodically go thru the motions. Yet Deep inside my heart there are questions yearning for answers. What is in this for me? Why do I do this over and over? Is motherhood really supposed to feel like this? 

 

I seesaw between feelings of complete overwhelmness my eyeballs peeking over the pile of junk on their bedroom floor. And moments of complete boredom staring at the same pile of dishes. 

 

The same dishes I just washed 24 hours ago. 

 

My heart aches to know. . . What is the point of this?

My heart yearns for an answer.

 

Much of my 12 years as a mom, I’ve been drowning in a sea of diapers, and crying babies, just trying with all my might to hold it all together, with just 4 hours of interrupted sleep. Yet as I began to come out of this “coma” I realized I’ve been doing the same thing for years; am I really doing anything worthwhile? Is there really a purpose to this?

 

I’ve tried being the “perfect mom” method with great failure.  I’ve tried reading all the mom books searching for the answer; they provided bandaids that helped for a while. I’ve tried pouring myself into some other “noble” endeavor; searching for importance and purpose in something else. {News alert: success in something else doesn’t equal purpose in motherhood.} 

 

I’ve even tried ignoring this thing called motherhood. 

My ignoring motherhood stage… was the last straw. 

 

It ended on a scary path. 

 

I woke up and realized I had to get this motherhood thing figured out. I had to find a purpose in it. Surely there had to be fulfillment in being a mom. There had to be a better way. There had to be something to fill this huge hole in my heart. Somehow there had to be an answer to this longing question in my heart, “What is the point?” 

 

Deep inside I know moms have a purpose. My head knew it, but my heart didn’t understand.

 

I started on a search for answers for my heart. My desperate search led me to the story of Moses. 

 

Moses led a group of over 4.5 million complaining, whining, fighting, rebellious people through the wilderness…

 

How did he do it? Why did he do it? What was his purpose? What was the point?

 

If he could lead 4.5 million kids thru a wilderness; couldn’t I figure out how to make it thru this motherhood thing with 4 kids? 

 

What I found inside his story was amazing. No longer did I see Moses as the baby in a basket, the man who caused the plagues to come when Pharaoh refused to let the people go, the man at the Red Sea and the guy who threw down the ten commandment stones. . .

 

Rather I found a Moses who had to sift thru a sea of lies before he could fully accept God’s calling on his life. I read stories where he questioned his purpose. He wondered if the things he was repeating was making a difference. I found times where he poured his heart out to God, full of questions. Times when he wanted to just give up. Times when it just looked too big. 

 

Yet Moses just kept on going. In fact, Moses poured his whole heart into being the leader, the “mom figure” for these 4.5 million people. 

 

Tucked inside the stories of Moses, watching his reactions to the ups and downs of life with kids, and leaning into his habits; I have found a new perspective that has changed my motherhood. 

 

This week started the first of a four part podcast series titled — When Motherhood feels like a Wilderness. {If you missed it, find the post here} I hope you will stick around for the series as we chat about all things… Moses and Mama.

 

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